Update #4

House Elves

Yesterday was our ayi’s first full day with us. For all of you outside of China, an ayi is, for all intents and purposes, a house elf/slave like Harry Potter’s Dobby*. She works at least 40 hours a week for such a lowly pittance that I am embarrassed to broadcast the amount.

In Beijing, I have been told I am paying her too much. This is quite a hot topic among the expats, so we will move forward immediately…

[I will say that $100 a week is considered astronomical!]

The best news concerning our house elf is that she returned to work this morning despite meeting the dogs yesterday.

An aside: ayi means auntie in Chinese; Ma is our ayi's last name. I am not actually sure that I should be calling her Auntie Ma, but I have nothing else to call her beside Dobby. That somehow seems cruel and unusual as well as horrifically non-p.c. Maybe, though, I should call her Comrade Ma. Now’s that’s Chinese! Hell, maybe ayi means Comrade in Mandarin and the government lies to us capitalist foreigners about the “auntie” definition.

Before I go on, you have to remember that the Chinese do not have large pet dogs. They EAT dogs! Lug Nut, our slim 100-pounder, could be skinned and salted down to feed a family of four throughout the winter months with enough left over for the annual summertime barbeque!

So…Ma Ayi silently let herself into the house yesterday morning and was immediately charged by 200 pounds of yellow, slobbering (not slathering) Labrador. They actually cornered her in the empty foyer.

She blindly grasped for the door handle, but it was just out of her reach.

Her fingers tips tickled the shiny brass knob.

She saw her life flash before her eyes, which were rolling back in her head in horror.

There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

She saw that dude Peter (?) (Paul?) at the pearly gates. Oh, no. That was just me rushing forward to save her from the jaws of death.

Ma Ayi did not scream. She did her country proud.

Nor did she need to borrow fresh underpants.

I joyfully felt like we were off to a good start!

Hmmm…at least she did not ask for underpants (not that I could understand her if she did). Nor did I see a puddle. But she did do laundry rather quickly thereafter and mop the floors immediately.

Yes, let’s talk about the laundry and the mopping. Ma Ayi puts the Brady Bunch’s Alice to shame! In quick succession, each and everyday, she will:

1. finish cleaning dinner remnants from the night before. You know, like emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash…
2. clean the breakfast dishes while my coffee is still hot
3. scrub all 5 bathrooms although we only use 3. She SQUEEGIES the glass shower stalls! EVERYDAY!
4. remake all the beds that I have already made. Clearly, I do not have the artistic touch.
5. start the laundry
6. vacuum and dust the entire house—all 4 stories
7. mop the entire house--all 4 stories.

HOLY CRAP!! It’s only lunch time and she is here for another 5 hours! Ah yes….the next five hours. What on God’s red Earth did she do?

How lucky are we? She made an excellent dinner for us! She is from the famous Sichuan (or Szechuan) Province of China. This is what Wikipedia says:

Main article: Szechuan cuisine

The Sichuanese are proud of their cuisine, known as one of the Four Great Traditions of Chinese cuisine, which now is famous all over the world. Szechuan cuisine is of "one dish, one shape, hundreds of dishes, hundreds of tastes", as the saying goes, to describe its acclaimed diversity. The most prominent traits of Sichuanese cuisine are described by four words: spicy, hot, fresh and fragrant.^[19]Two famous Sichuan chefs are Chen Kenmin and his son Chen Kenichi, who was Iron Chef Chinese on the television series "Iron Chef".

We’ve got to admit: her food is spicy, hot, fresh, and fragrant! Lots of ginger and garlic, red pepper, and maybe some star anise. Delicious. I've got my own Iron Chef in the kitchen! Ma Ayi’s cooking alone is worth her monthly salary.

Speaking of salaries, check this out:

The Sichuan government raised the minimum wage in the province by 12.5 percent at the end of December 2007. The monthly minimum wage went up from 400 to 450 yuan, with a minimum of 4.9 yuan per hour for part-time work, effective Dec. 26 2007. The government also reduced the four-tier minimum wage structure to three. The top tier mandates a minimum of 650 yuan per month, or 7.1 yuan per hour. National law allows each province to set minimum wages independently, but with a floor of 450 yuan per month.

Not to mimic Lucas, but uuuuhhhh….what did I just write? Let me “translate” to us Americans: top minimum wage is $1 per hour. I AM paying Comrade Ma too much! Damn. And her day is not yet over!

Remember how I was so happy that we started off the morning with my friendly dogs and no screaming? I wrote too soon. There was screaming. A lot.

Me screaming.

Really screaming.

Screaming, “Oh my God! What are you doing?!?!?!?”

My New Jersey accent even made a rare appearance.

“Oh my Gawd! No! No! NO!”

What was Ma Ayi doing? What could she be doing?

I still cannot believe it; I am breathless with fear.

Ma Ayi was ironing Brad’s underwear.

She also ironed my underwear, Lucas’s underwear, a bathing suit, 2 pairs of pants, pajamas, a skirt, a dress and a minimum of 20 cotton T-shirts.

She ironed more in one afternoon than I have ironed in 41.5years. In the US, the dry cleaner’s bill would have been approximately $781.37.

What can I say?

I gotta get her a sock.

A handmade cashmere perfect sock**.

With love to you all and Ma Ayi,

Kimbeijingerly

***House-elves are small humanoid creatures who inhabit large houses belonging to wealthy Wizarding families. They are "bound" to the family of the house, which means they do all manner of menial tasks for them until they die. If their owner gives them an article of clothing, it breaks the "enslavement" and the house-elf is free. For most house-elves, this would be the ultimate insult and they would be shamed forever. However, a house-elf named Dobby, who served the Malfoy family, took a more enlightened view. ** He desperately wanted to be free and eventually Harry Potter managed to trick Lucius Malfoy into giving Dobby an old sock.