Personal Cleanliness: down and dirty

WARNING: NOT FOR WEAK STOMACHS

This month’s top lessons learned in China regarding personal hygiene:

1. If you are a saleswoman in your fifties, it is perfectly acceptable to belch loudly while you bargain with foreigners. Multiple times. There will be no discreet burping, no tactful hand-over-mouth diversion, no shameful blush nor bashful glances. Just unabashed belching. The tai-tais, speechless and horrified, will be unable to look at each other or you. My advice thus:

· Belch.

· Belch out loud.

· Belch out strong.

· Don’t worry if it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear.

· Just belch.

· Belch a song.

2. If you are walking by the river, please feel free to squat and defecate at your own convenience. No need to discard your toilet paper in the proper trash receptacle. Just throw it right next to your steaming pile. Foreign mountain bikers will soon conveniently roll over both and remove the offending heap, trailing the paper behind like streamers.

Now imagine my mountain bike...


2. If you are brushing your teeth with a Chinese toothbrush, be prepared for the bristles to simultaneously degrade, release from the brush, and choke you. This can happen at any given moment. Have floss at the ready. There is no doubt: those bristles will lodge between your pearly whites and in your throat.
3. If said bristles are not removed immediately, do not worry. It is 100% ok to spit bristles (or anything else that might ever be in your mouth), on the ground. In front of everyone, I might add. A busy pedestrian street would be the ideal location for your hack, but any public thoroughfare will suffice. Side note: never leave house barefoot. Second side note: take cover (like an umbrella) when you hear throat clearing.
4. If you are walking down said Phleming Road (or driving a car or shopping or eating or well, doing just about anything) and your nose itches, your only natural recourse of action will be to instantly pick-n-flick. That’s right. Pick your nose. And then flick. Pick-n-flick. Highly effective.
5. Speaking of immediate action…if you are a shopkeeper and your ear (and not your nose) itches, no worries. Please purchase a very long Q-tip. (At least a foot long is best). Sit outside your booth on short stool. Clean ear. Carefully examine ear wax while customers browse. The ear wax should best be brown. And thick. And thoroughly repulsive.
6. If perhaps you have not yet attained the correct level of maximum repulsiveness, you have another opportunity! Please continue to sit on your stool. Remove shoes and socks. Clean toe jam. Examine toe jam. Expect no foreign customers to purchase anything without exact change. Realize that no one wants to touch anything you have touched!
7. In fact, if you are in China, wear gloves. Touch nothing. See nothing. Smell nothing. This is the #1 thing I have learned about personal hygiene in China. This month. Who knows what next month will bring?

Smell no evil. See no evil. Touch no evil.

With love, laughter and honest nausea,

Kimbeijingerly

Why-le?

Chinese vocabulary word of the month:

Huaile:

• Pronunciation: rhymes with Why-le
• Definition: bad / evil / rotten / spoiled
• Personal Interpretation: Piece of crap
• Linguistic Note: Often but not always followed by xinde, particularly when used by handyman

Xinde:

• Pronunciation: Shin-duh!
• Definition: [buy a] new [one]

EXAMPLES from September 2011:

1. The kitchen bar has lost its “leg.”

Handyman’s response: Huaile.

Clearly, this is huaile.

2. The switch that turns the lights on in the back garden no longer works despite massive jiggling (which worked last year).

Handyman’s response: Huaile.

3. The handle has broken off the front gate.

Handyman's response: Huaile. Xinde.

[Piece of Crap! Buy a new one!]

4. (Unrelated to the above problem…) The same gate no longer closes.

Handyman’s response: Huaile.

5. The light fixture has fallen off the patio wall.

Huaile. Xinde.

6. The doorbell has stopping dinging.

Huaile. Xinde.

7. The 2 light bulbs that are burned-out cannot be replaced. They will not “unscrew” from the sockets.

Handyman’s response: Huaile. Xinde.

(Xinde light fixtures, not xinde light bulbs!)

8. The door handle has broken off the door to our patio; as a result, said door no longer opens or closes.

Handyman’s response: Huaile. Xinde.

(Xinde door, not xinde handle!)

9. Chinese panty-shield glue is so mighty, it rips out crotch of underwear.

Handyman’s response: Huaile. Xinde.

Oh, no! That was not the handyman! That was me!

My response: WHY-le? WHY-le? WHY-le?

Yes, the entire Chinese house is huaile, but the Chinese panty liner is mightier than the American panty!*

With love, laughter, frustration, and bewilderment,

Kimbeijingerly

* For those of you who think this is perhaps a one-time deal, I assure you that it happened TWICE last month!

Back in Beijing

Making the Best of It

After a fabulous summer on Oak Island, Lucas and I have returned to Beijing.

To sum up our first week: if it could go wrong, it did. (Another blog coming soon.)

Yet as a happy, cheerful person [dammit], I will not focus on the negatives. Being a tai-tai (a lady who lunches) has its positives.

I can (I will) lead a rewarding, enriching, valuable life in China!

My existence here shall encompass more than shopping and fine dining. For example, I could have a massage!

Julie, my partner in tai-tai-crime, picked up a massage menu to welcome me “home.” Now if only I could choose which massage would best ease my return to ex-pat life.

A bit of self-assessment is in order. It's always ugly to look inward.

Perhaps my feet stink?

Or my kidneys are failing.

How about The Ovary?

I did drink quite a few mojitos this summer. A little rehab may be called for.

And my abs clearly need some work. I was thinking about sit-ups, but I’ve always been a fan of therapy. "So tell me about your last supper…"

This is just crazy. What kind of spa is this? What kind of friend is Julie? What kind of country is China!?

I tell myself: get a grip! Step-back! Step-back! Step back to where you once belonged. Oh crap, that’s get back.

Maybe I do need to take a Step Back. It only costs $15 or so.

I am clearly losing my mind.

Electric shock therapy may be required. No worries: that is also available for a mere $3. No prescription needed. I wonder what the FDA thinks about that?

I need to think about this… How about a think-tank? Nope. But there is a walk tank. Walk if off, baby! Walk it off!

Or have a cool, refreshing glass of…guasha?

And how about them moxibustion regimens?

(Lymph drainage is just so gross I cannot bear to contemplate it-- or wite about it.)

It all leaves you sort of speechless. As does tush the back with the oil.

FYI: 6 = $1

HK = Hong Kong?

With love and confusion (and a lot of tongue-in-cheek humor) from Beijing,

Kimbeijingerly

PS: After a bit of research, this is what I learned about Guasha (not related to guava by the way!)

Gua sha (Chinese: 刮痧; pinyin: guā shā), literally "to scrape away fever" in Chinese (more loosely, "to scrape away disease by allowing the disease to escape as sandy-looking objects through the skin"), is an ancient medical treatment.

Scrape me up!

Let's do some crimes...

Sometimes my blog is crafted; sometimes it is just an email I have sent.

Today’s entry is a version of a letter that I wrote to some of my cycling friends yesterday. I have added a few background details for clarification.

FYI: I am currently training for an almost-400-mile, 4-day bike ride. At the end of May, my Ohio friends will be riding from Cincinnati to Cleveland. They have been training together for months while I have been trying to train in Beijing. That’s not easy without my pack and in polluted air.

I got super lucky when my good friend, Julie, agreed to ride with me when the air is clear. I also got lucky and found a fellow road cyclist, Rachael, to ride with. Still the training has not gone as well as I had hoped.

Here’s an example:

Hi!

Today Julie and I went cycling and almost got arrested for trespassing.

Who knew climbing fences was illegal?

(I admit: the property did sort of look like an official government water control thingy…)

I wish I had caught a photo of Julie doing her acrobatic flip over the first fence.

It was on a “cliff” overlooking some polluted water with a dead animal decaying on the ground next to us.

Gross.

She miscalculated the flip and landed on her back in the dirt with her cycling skirt all around her waist and the dust flying up.

It was a riot!

Well, we didn’t just climb fences...we also scooted under one.

(Sending photo.)

And man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her mountain bike was heavy to lift! And some of those fences were high!

High like I had to stand on some cement blocks that were lying around to get the bikes over.

(You may wonder why there are construction materials randomly scattered on gov’t property. Us, too! China.)

My pink bike is a total light weight!!

I got it over in no time.

But as I am handing her the 7000 pound mountain bike, she begins yelling, "Wee chinky is coming, wee chinky!"

(That's Scottish for Holy shit, here comes the guard!)

I quickly scooted under the fence (it was a tight fit) while throwing her the mt. bike and my iPhone.

She needed her bike for the getaway.

I needed a photo for the blog .

Anything for my writing career...

And my training!

We jumped on those bikes and hauled ass.

Our justification? It’s not like we could have understood the guy if we stayed around to chat.

And then, as we are zipping away, a Chinese mutt chases us, barking frantically. These decrepit little fisher women (yes, there were witnesses to the crime) start howling with laughter.

My life is weird.

Miss you!

See you in 3.5 weeks. Ready or not.

Not as the case may be. The air is HORRENDOUS.

love,

kimbeijingerly

How many Chinese does it take?

Beijing’s Very Own Light Bulb Joke

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

A lightbulb joke is a joke that asks how many people of a certain group are needed to change, replace, or screw in a light bulb. Generally, the punch line answer highlights a stereotype of the target group. There are numerous versions of the lightbulb joke satirizing a wide range of cultures, beliefs and occupations.^[1]

The original formulations of the joke, popular in the late 1960s and the 1970s, were used to insult the intelligence of Poles.^[4][5] For instance:

Q. How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three—one to hold the light bulb and two to turn the ladder.

Although lightbulb jokes tend to be derogatory in tone, the people targeted by them may take pride in the stereotypes expressed and are often themselves the jokes' originators.^[6] Lightbulb jokes applied to subgroups can be used to ease tensions between them.^[7]

Kimbeijingerly's Version:

Q: How many Chinese does it take to install a car bike rack?

A: Obviously 4, with one tall American to supervise the chore.

Spring has Sprung...

Finally Spring is here in Beijing... And Yoda has some great advice for us.

Proof Positive

Having just returned from a trip to the US, I now know many of you have laughed at this blog and my antics in Beijing. I have also heard that it occasionally seems unbelievable! Imagine that!

In my defense and with the blessings of my fellow Beijinger, Kim Harrington, I am posting an email that Kim wrote from Beijing to me while I was visiting you last month. (And it was great seeing you, by the way!)

I feel certain that this blog will completely prove to you that I do not in any way, shape, or form exaggerate our Chinese mishaps.

Before reading Kim's email, take a look at this bit of info to help you navigate the weirdness:

Characters

• Kim Harrington: fellow Cincinnatian and Beijing neighbor who happens to be 8 months pregnant
• Wang Ayi: Kim’s housekeeper / house elf / munchkin
• Dragon Bay: our gated and guarded compound / neighborhood
• Jeff: Kim’s husband
• ChenChen: Kim’s husband’s secretary at P and G

Chinese Vocab

• Ayi: “auntie” or Beijing term for housekeeper
• Bao an: security guard
• Laowei: foreigner

Drum roll, please…………………And the email reads:

Hey Kimberly!

I hope things are going pleasantly in the US :)

I just had to e-mail to tell you a story that you have the unique perspective to truly appreciate...

Wang Ayi and a Dragon Bay security guard got in a fist fight the other day...

She came to the house Monday morning, and I was working from home sitting at the desk upstairs... Something was a little different about her entrance. I could tell that she was really out of breath, and she didn't banter with the dogs like usual. She runs up the stairs and tells me to come with her, and to put my coat on because it was cold outside... (This is when you start to question your second language abilities, because you hear the words, but they seem incongruent with the situation, so you're not sure...) In any event, I put my coat and shoes on and followed her out to the entrance gate (the one opposite the club house). I saw Wang Ayi's bike laying in the middle of the street, and her things were scattered everywhere. There were three guys standing around and a Dragon Bay security guard. She just takes off and runs over to the security guard and starts totally yelling at him, and he was totally yelling back at her! Every time he would respond, she would put her hands on her hips and spit somewhere near his shoes! It was crazy. I was just standing there thinking, "How am I here in this situation right now..." It just continued to escalate. She started pushing him, and then she dropped her cell phone. So, she picked up her phone, put it in her purse, put her purse down on the sidewalk, took her jacket off, and charged back at the guard. All-out brawl. He was reciprocating because he was really upset with her too.

This guy walked up to me and was like, "Is that your Ayi?", and I was like, "Ummmmm..... yeah....." So, the two of them continued to have-it-out in the entrance way... I was just hoping no one I knew was going to drive by. I specifically thought, "Well, Kimberly's in the US..." I was just seeing the headline, "Ayi and Bao An brawl in street fight as large, pregnant laowei looks on."

Wang Ayi had her hair in these two long braids going down her back (cute, but sort of like a hairstyle you haven't had since second grade), and I don't know about you, but I think the Dragon Bay security guard winter outfits look kind of like the guard outfits from the Wizard of Oz. Long coat with big furry hat (despite being red). So, it was an interesting site. These two braids flying everywhere attached to a little jumping, spitting munchkin, and the emerald city guard dishing it back at her. Anyway, this is what I was thinking when I was passively standing by...

I guess she uses that entrance everyday, and for some reason the guard told her to use the other entrance. So, he wouldn't let her in that way. I talked to her afterwards, and she seemed fine, and really not very distressed for having just been in a fist fight... but I did send an e-mail to Jeff to have ChenChen talk to her, because I thought there must be some details that I was missing about this. However, ChenChen reported back that it literally was only about coming in the entrance that morning... So, I'm still perplexed at the intensity of this confrontation for only that reason. It was good ChenChen called her though, because Wang Ayi was really happy after the phone call. I think she was happy to explain her side of the story, and that we had someone who really speaks Chinese check up on her to see that she was okay.

A Dragon Bay manager from the club house did reach agreement with the guard that she could use that entrance in the future. So, Wang Ayi said that he lets her in now, but turns away the other (clearly, less confrontational) Ayis... I guess she got the job done...

It was weird... Totally felt like I was in the middle of 'Cops: Beijing.' I probably could have enhanced the look by being the pregnant bystander with a brown bag covered Colt 45 and cigarette hanging out of my mouth...

Proof positive that Beijing is Bizarre!

With love and Laughter!

And many thanks to my correspondent, Kim, for sharing her adventures with us!

Kimbeijingerly